Yesterday

Yesterday I guess everything came to a boiling point so to speak inside of me. After school I met up with my Matthew in the Martins parking lot and he came with me when I went on the search for a strapless bra to wear under my hot pink strapless prom dress. But after that I really just wanted to see him, lately I have been having a lot of crap going on inside of me. Things I don't even fully understand, so its clearly almost impossible for me to spell these sorts of things out in a blog, but I feel it will give me some sort of comfort or understanding to see the words typed out with the contrast of black on white.
So we drove around for a spell, we were in The Cougar, and no place to really go. So I'd drive about and park in a parking lot along the beach or in a playground parking lot. And we did a little talking and stuff. Just easy stuff talking about this and that and Matthew kept asking me who I was texting and he took away my cell phone saying he wouldnt give me back my phone until I told him. I hate saying shit a loud like that because I was texting Matt D (some friend of my third cousins who gave me his number one evening at work, the only reason I texted Matt D in the first place was to get my third cousins number to ask something dealing with work....) Anyway Matt D and myself were discussing how I was trying to hook him up with a female that I know, but I guess it was failing horrible. I was also texting Jessie B. about prom plans and stuff, and I know that Jessica dislikes Matthew's age so I kinda just try to avoid her as a topic of interest. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was hiding something, rather it was the opposite. I'd rather he have read the messages and not just have known the names of whom I was texting because that would have made things seem as if I was going behind his back, when I wasn't.
So we left that parking lot and moved to the playground parking lot since I wasn't ready to drop him back off at his car and say goodbye. I've been in such a fog lately and I wish I knew what I could say to explain this, maybe it's this stupid paper we have to write that brings up old memories and makes me drift to a different time than 2010. But when we finally pulled next to his vehicle he sat Mr Bubbles in between the two seats, since it was sitting on his lap. And usually we would just say our goodbyes and what not and I'd go home to do my homework as he would go home and relax on his day off. But instead I was holding back tears since I turned into Martins parking lot and I grabbed my teddy bear for comfort. I think he realized that something was wrong when I was holding my bear and not making eye contact with him, and then the tears started to roll down my face. I wished at the time that I had held the tears back long enough for him to get into his own car, but now I am glad he was there. He held me and kept asking what was wrong; but I honestly dont have a good answer to tell him. I wish I did, if I knew what was wrong he'd be one of the first people I would tell.
He told me that I should go home and rest, shut myself off from my mother and father, and get something to eat. He was right of course but by the time I got home I really just wanted to sit and talk it out with whomever would listen because I just needed an ear, maybe some thoughtful insight from another side.
It was bad I have to admit, I was scared to be so weak in front of him. But now I feel better with him than ever before because I know how difficult it is to not know whats going on but he handled it very impressively. I miss him a lot, every time we see each other it makes all the crap of the day melt away in to the corners of my mind. But to say goodbye...to say goodbye to him breaks my heart nearly every time. I dont think he knows how much he means to me. How much I really really care about him. He's my rock through the thick and the thin I hope he'll always be by my side.
I guess this entry really just turned into me admitting to the world in my own little way how I really feel about Matthew. I think it's great how (I think?) we both know how the other feels about each other even though we've never said it out right. It's an understanding. And when we lay next to each other, I just want to be closer. I want to be so close even though it seems impossible to be physically closer. It's mental as well, I want to crawl into his head and have him be in my head. I want to become one with him and never leave his side. He's my everything. I just want to be with him forever.

[[Gotta Come Up With A Title]]

It's already April really? Guess time moves quickly when looking back onto a crazy couple of months. I guess January was the last time I really posted anything of useful information. Since then a few things have changed in my life but overall it's just filled with school and family stress.

Work is finally picking up with the better weather starting. Meaning soon I shall ask for consideration for a pay increase.

The Cougar is in the shop, hopefully getting it's starter replaced so I can have my car back Monday or Tuesday to not be stranded on my Spring Break.

My birthday was last week sometime, I believe it was Thursday. As usual my father couldn't even be polite to me on my birthday, and we had a great fight. Went out to dinner in Michigan City, went home and opened my gift from them of $100 and a belt.
My friend Katlyn got me an incense burner and some cones and sticks.
My Aunt got me a great red scarf and an awesome black shirt.
Grandparents got me some clothing, and such items.
My grandmother gave me $100.
My sister bought her and myself tickets to see the band U2 in concert this June.
But my man would take the cake on best birthday gift this year...
He bought me a replacement Ipod for the one I recently lost possession of; I now am the owner of a gun metal grey, 160gig Ipod classic :-)

Oh...yes new man officially in my life; Matthew.

As I was texting Marquise tonight seems I find myself thinking of how confusing things can be. How I never seem to fit in with my own age group, and that one minute I am able to mesh completely with a group of older people. Then the next I feel myself being set over in the corner. Seems it's been this way for a while, and yet I am only know sure of it. Only a few times do I ever truly feel as if I belong. That being when I am with Marquise, or Matthew, talking to Luke, and a few other people. Seems Marquise has a similar issue and finds comfort in myself, Matthew, and Luke as well. Perhaps I will find others like them and myself. But that is for time to tell, not myself.

Another confusing topic...where am I to go with school...what am I to do with myself? So many people say I should go into some sort of art...others say I should go into makeup (that of movies and such), and others yet say I have to figure it out for myself. Now that is the issue, school is really not my cup of tea, so just stumbling through it to end up changing my mind is not an option I wish to take.
I have told many I plan to become a bartender, and perhaps a massage therapist to create decent revenue until I makeup my mind further, but yet I am undecided. I hope to find a job where I can be near my friends and make enough money to support myself and take care of those who I care about. Guess a lot of people have that familiar dream fall apart before their eyes.

My sister wishes to use her computer, and her apartment means her rules. So I'll try and update this soon, adding a proper title and a music video of course. Farewell for now.



[[Gotta Come Up With A Movie Clip]]