The title speaks the truth, it has been a while.
Life has been decent to me other than the fact I've been home sick from school and work the last three days. Last year I remember how many days I would just dodge out from school because it was getting too hard from me, this year I'm actually sick. Thankfully I am feeling much better, and tomorrow is Friday so I plan to get all my missing assignments and somehow power through them this weekend, then Monday will start the week off with a bit more relaxing.
So to try and play catchup... work was great, I miss it being back in school. Yes a lot of the time I bitch about it, but in the end I love that place and only wish to make it better. Sometimes I hate the people I work with and sometimes I hate the customers, but in the end without either of them it wouldn't exist. People are finally starting to respect me I feel, at least the managers. I think they finally realize they ought to treat me well since I do my job right, and they sort of need to keep at least some of their employees content.
My family and I are actually getting along decently. It seems I will be going to the local community college for the first two years after I graduate. Seems smart actually, it's wise way to save some cash, and that way I can still keep my job and earn some extra cash before I go away.
I've been missing my friends a lot lately. It's kinda nice to be back in school because I get to hang out with the few friends in my grade I have left, and it's nice to see some familiar faces closer in my age. At the same time it sort of sucks, since so many of my closest friends are away at different schools. I'm looking forward to the holidays when they will come back home for a while. My girlfriend is coming home soon so I hope school and work allow me to see her and possibly spend the night...I miss her a lot, so I just replace hanging out with her with visits to her mother. I think I might be a mom hoe...I can't help it!
My other close guy friend is coming home for Thansgiving, it's been a long time since I've seen him last. After my one breakup he probably was my best guy friend.
Also then Marquise is going to be home for Christmas. I miss him dearly too since he's ended up turning into my older over protective brother.
I began this post several weeks ago it seems...and just never got around to finishing it.
I still have not gotten around to finishing it, but I feel I should post this before I decide not to, at one point I believed these words to have importance. So here they are.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Yesterday
Yesterday I guess everything came to a boiling point so to speak inside of me. After school I met up with my Matthew in the Martins parking lot and he came with me when I went on the search for a strapless bra to wear under my hot pink strapless prom dress. But after that I really just wanted to see him, lately I have been having a lot of crap going on inside of me. Things I don't even fully understand, so its clearly almost impossible for me to spell these sorts of things out in a blog, but I feel it will give me some sort of comfort or understanding to see the words typed out with the contrast of black on white.
So we drove around for a spell, we were in The Cougar, and no place to really go. So I'd drive about and park in a parking lot along the beach or in a playground parking lot. And we did a little talking and stuff. Just easy stuff talking about this and that and Matthew kept asking me who I was texting and he took away my cell phone saying he wouldnt give me back my phone until I told him. I hate saying shit a loud like that because I was texting Matt D (some friend of my third cousins who gave me his number one evening at work, the only reason I texted Matt D in the first place was to get my third cousins number to ask something dealing with work....) Anyway Matt D and myself were discussing how I was trying to hook him up with a female that I know, but I guess it was failing horrible. I was also texting Jessie B. about prom plans and stuff, and I know that Jessica dislikes Matthew's age so I kinda just try to avoid her as a topic of interest. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was hiding something, rather it was the opposite. I'd rather he have read the messages and not just have known the names of whom I was texting because that would have made things seem as if I was going behind his back, when I wasn't.
So we left that parking lot and moved to the playground parking lot since I wasn't ready to drop him back off at his car and say goodbye. I've been in such a fog lately and I wish I knew what I could say to explain this, maybe it's this stupid paper we have to write that brings up old memories and makes me drift to a different time than 2010. But when we finally pulled next to his vehicle he sat Mr Bubbles in between the two seats, since it was sitting on his lap. And usually we would just say our goodbyes and what not and I'd go home to do my homework as he would go home and relax on his day off. But instead I was holding back tears since I turned into Martins parking lot and I grabbed my teddy bear for comfort. I think he realized that something was wrong when I was holding my bear and not making eye contact with him, and then the tears started to roll down my face. I wished at the time that I had held the tears back long enough for him to get into his own car, but now I am glad he was there. He held me and kept asking what was wrong; but I honestly dont have a good answer to tell him. I wish I did, if I knew what was wrong he'd be one of the first people I would tell.
He told me that I should go home and rest, shut myself off from my mother and father, and get something to eat. He was right of course but by the time I got home I really just wanted to sit and talk it out with whomever would listen because I just needed an ear, maybe some thoughtful insight from another side.
It was bad I have to admit, I was scared to be so weak in front of him. But now I feel better with him than ever before because I know how difficult it is to not know whats going on but he handled it very impressively. I miss him a lot, every time we see each other it makes all the crap of the day melt away in to the corners of my mind. But to say goodbye...to say goodbye to him breaks my heart nearly every time. I dont think he knows how much he means to me. How much I really really care about him. He's my rock through the thick and the thin I hope he'll always be by my side.
I guess this entry really just turned into me admitting to the world in my own little way how I really feel about Matthew. I think it's great how (I think?) we both know how the other feels about each other even though we've never said it out right. It's an understanding. And when we lay next to each other, I just want to be closer. I want to be so close even though it seems impossible to be physically closer. It's mental as well, I want to crawl into his head and have him be in my head. I want to become one with him and never leave his side. He's my everything. I just want to be with him forever.
So we drove around for a spell, we were in The Cougar, and no place to really go. So I'd drive about and park in a parking lot along the beach or in a playground parking lot. And we did a little talking and stuff. Just easy stuff talking about this and that and Matthew kept asking me who I was texting and he took away my cell phone saying he wouldnt give me back my phone until I told him. I hate saying shit a loud like that because I was texting Matt D (some friend of my third cousins who gave me his number one evening at work, the only reason I texted Matt D in the first place was to get my third cousins number to ask something dealing with work....) Anyway Matt D and myself were discussing how I was trying to hook him up with a female that I know, but I guess it was failing horrible. I was also texting Jessie B. about prom plans and stuff, and I know that Jessica dislikes Matthew's age so I kinda just try to avoid her as a topic of interest. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was hiding something, rather it was the opposite. I'd rather he have read the messages and not just have known the names of whom I was texting because that would have made things seem as if I was going behind his back, when I wasn't.
So we left that parking lot and moved to the playground parking lot since I wasn't ready to drop him back off at his car and say goodbye. I've been in such a fog lately and I wish I knew what I could say to explain this, maybe it's this stupid paper we have to write that brings up old memories and makes me drift to a different time than 2010. But when we finally pulled next to his vehicle he sat Mr Bubbles in between the two seats, since it was sitting on his lap. And usually we would just say our goodbyes and what not and I'd go home to do my homework as he would go home and relax on his day off. But instead I was holding back tears since I turned into Martins parking lot and I grabbed my teddy bear for comfort. I think he realized that something was wrong when I was holding my bear and not making eye contact with him, and then the tears started to roll down my face. I wished at the time that I had held the tears back long enough for him to get into his own car, but now I am glad he was there. He held me and kept asking what was wrong; but I honestly dont have a good answer to tell him. I wish I did, if I knew what was wrong he'd be one of the first people I would tell.
He told me that I should go home and rest, shut myself off from my mother and father, and get something to eat. He was right of course but by the time I got home I really just wanted to sit and talk it out with whomever would listen because I just needed an ear, maybe some thoughtful insight from another side.
It was bad I have to admit, I was scared to be so weak in front of him. But now I feel better with him than ever before because I know how difficult it is to not know whats going on but he handled it very impressively. I miss him a lot, every time we see each other it makes all the crap of the day melt away in to the corners of my mind. But to say goodbye...to say goodbye to him breaks my heart nearly every time. I dont think he knows how much he means to me. How much I really really care about him. He's my rock through the thick and the thin I hope he'll always be by my side.
I guess this entry really just turned into me admitting to the world in my own little way how I really feel about Matthew. I think it's great how (I think?) we both know how the other feels about each other even though we've never said it out right. It's an understanding. And when we lay next to each other, I just want to be closer. I want to be so close even though it seems impossible to be physically closer. It's mental as well, I want to crawl into his head and have him be in my head. I want to become one with him and never leave his side. He's my everything. I just want to be with him forever.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
[[Gotta Come Up With A Title]]
It's already April really? Guess time moves quickly when looking back onto a crazy couple of months. I guess January was the last time I really posted anything of useful information. Since then a few things have changed in my life but overall it's just filled with school and family stress.
Work is finally picking up with the better weather starting. Meaning soon I shall ask for consideration for a pay increase.
The Cougar is in the shop, hopefully getting it's starter replaced so I can have my car back Monday or Tuesday to not be stranded on my Spring Break.
My birthday was last week sometime, I believe it was Thursday. As usual my father couldn't even be polite to me on my birthday, and we had a great fight. Went out to dinner in Michigan City, went home and opened my gift from them of $100 and a belt.
My friend Katlyn got me an incense burner and some cones and sticks.
My Aunt got me a great red scarf and an awesome black shirt.
Grandparents got me some clothing, and such items.
My grandmother gave me $100.
My sister bought her and myself tickets to see the band U2 in concert this June.
But my man would take the cake on best birthday gift this year...
He bought me a replacement Ipod for the one I recently lost possession of; I now am the owner of a gun metal grey, 160gig Ipod classic :-)
Oh...yes new man officially in my life; Matthew.
As I was texting Marquise tonight seems I find myself thinking of how confusing things can be. How I never seem to fit in with my own age group, and that one minute I am able to mesh completely with a group of older people. Then the next I feel myself being set over in the corner. Seems it's been this way for a while, and yet I am only know sure of it. Only a few times do I ever truly feel as if I belong. That being when I am with Marquise, or Matthew, talking to Luke, and a few other people. Seems Marquise has a similar issue and finds comfort in myself, Matthew, and Luke as well. Perhaps I will find others like them and myself. But that is for time to tell, not myself.
Another confusing topic...where am I to go with school...what am I to do with myself? So many people say I should go into some sort of art...others say I should go into makeup (that of movies and such), and others yet say I have to figure it out for myself. Now that is the issue, school is really not my cup of tea, so just stumbling through it to end up changing my mind is not an option I wish to take.
I have told many I plan to become a bartender, and perhaps a massage therapist to create decent revenue until I makeup my mind further, but yet I am undecided. I hope to find a job where I can be near my friends and make enough money to support myself and take care of those who I care about. Guess a lot of people have that familiar dream fall apart before their eyes.
My sister wishes to use her computer, and her apartment means her rules. So I'll try and update this soon, adding a proper title and a music video of course. Farewell for now.
[[Gotta Come Up With A Movie Clip]]
Work is finally picking up with the better weather starting. Meaning soon I shall ask for consideration for a pay increase.
The Cougar is in the shop, hopefully getting it's starter replaced so I can have my car back Monday or Tuesday to not be stranded on my Spring Break.
My birthday was last week sometime, I believe it was Thursday. As usual my father couldn't even be polite to me on my birthday, and we had a great fight. Went out to dinner in Michigan City, went home and opened my gift from them of $100 and a belt.
My friend Katlyn got me an incense burner and some cones and sticks.
My Aunt got me a great red scarf and an awesome black shirt.
Grandparents got me some clothing, and such items.
My grandmother gave me $100.
My sister bought her and myself tickets to see the band U2 in concert this June.
But my man would take the cake on best birthday gift this year...
He bought me a replacement Ipod for the one I recently lost possession of; I now am the owner of a gun metal grey, 160gig Ipod classic :-)
Oh...yes new man officially in my life; Matthew.
As I was texting Marquise tonight seems I find myself thinking of how confusing things can be. How I never seem to fit in with my own age group, and that one minute I am able to mesh completely with a group of older people. Then the next I feel myself being set over in the corner. Seems it's been this way for a while, and yet I am only know sure of it. Only a few times do I ever truly feel as if I belong. That being when I am with Marquise, or Matthew, talking to Luke, and a few other people. Seems Marquise has a similar issue and finds comfort in myself, Matthew, and Luke as well. Perhaps I will find others like them and myself. But that is for time to tell, not myself.
Another confusing topic...where am I to go with school...what am I to do with myself? So many people say I should go into some sort of art...others say I should go into makeup (that of movies and such), and others yet say I have to figure it out for myself. Now that is the issue, school is really not my cup of tea, so just stumbling through it to end up changing my mind is not an option I wish to take.
I have told many I plan to become a bartender, and perhaps a massage therapist to create decent revenue until I makeup my mind further, but yet I am undecided. I hope to find a job where I can be near my friends and make enough money to support myself and take care of those who I care about. Guess a lot of people have that familiar dream fall apart before their eyes.
My sister wishes to use her computer, and her apartment means her rules. So I'll try and update this soon, adding a proper title and a music video of course. Farewell for now.
[[Gotta Come Up With A Movie Clip]]
Monday, January 4, 2010
Hold Onto Chance..
Today the year is 2010. So far we have come...so far indeed...lots has changed, almost too much to recap. Marquise left the 3rd to go off to boot camp for the National Guard. But before he left he helped me out, whenever I was having a rough day at school and just wanted to go crazy, he was there to calm me down and cheer me up. Just as I was there for him when he needed someone to talk to. That is just something I wont ever forget, and I know I am going to miss him a lot.
In the last couple weeks life has taken a turn I wasn't really expecting. Tuesday (December 29th, 2009) Marquise showed up to work to give me a hug, and with him he had his friend Matthew. I was busy taking down giant poinsettia decorations, and Marquise helped me out. So did Matt, he took the giant flower, and in the funniest way tried to help me down from the table I stood on. They left shortly after that, but I was texting Marquise and one thing lead to another and Marquise gave me Matt's number and Matt my number. By the end of the night Matt had texted me, first thing said was: "Hello my name is Matthew, I was the dude that took the large flower thing from u today. Thats all i can think of as the first thing to say to u." That was at 9:04pm Dec 29th 2009.
The next day, as things would come for a turn I was hanging out with my friend Jesse, and was invited to go see a movie in Niles with some people. These people formed a group of six....Marquise, Morgan, Matthew, his brother Michael, Jesse, and myself. After we saw Sherlock Holmes we went to Pizza Hut, and it was a lot of fun. The way home I was trailing them in my car, for I didn't know my way around the roads we traveled on. They would always go through lights on yellow and I'd always stop since they would turn red. But on one such light, it turned red for me and I went through it. When doing so Matt in the car in front of me opened the window and gave me the thumbs up. That day was a good day. We of course texted that night, and too much was on his mind to go to sleep...
The next day, it was the 31st. The very last day in 2009. Marquise and Matt of course were hanging out and had a party to go to at 10:00, so they came to my house. And hung out in my bedroom after enjoying a pizza I made. It was a lot of fun...and I got hugs from them both. I even walked them out to their car in my socks, even with the snow on the ground. I remember Matt taking his one shoe off for me to wear. I opened the car door for him and said something silly like "Your car madam". It was fun to hang out with people that makes me happy. So after that I curled up in bed, and was taxting Matt some, then when it got around to 11:55pm I got out of bed and watched the ball drop consuming some Welch's Sparkling Grape Juice. And shortly after the new year began, my phone rang and it was Matthew wanting to wish me a Happy Hanukkah since no one ever says that and he wants to bring it back haha. We talked some, and I really enjoyed it...He's a really sweet guy, and I look forward to getting to know him more.
Lastly on the 2nd, Marquise and Matt stopped by my house very late at night to say goodbye before MF left for Lansing. Marquise only stayed a little while giving me some hugs. I will miss him and look forward to his return so we can all hang out again.
Matt stayed a bit longer, but just in the kitchen with all the lights off, for my father was fast asleep and I didn't wish to wake him. We hugged, and had a little hand puppet fight. He makes me smile...but who knows what tomorrow will bring. For all I know is I have half a year of school to go until break, and when my break comes I look forward to hopefully seeing more of Matt.
"Jars" By Chevelle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zsyg_KDAhoI
In the last couple weeks life has taken a turn I wasn't really expecting. Tuesday (December 29th, 2009) Marquise showed up to work to give me a hug, and with him he had his friend Matthew. I was busy taking down giant poinsettia decorations, and Marquise helped me out. So did Matt, he took the giant flower, and in the funniest way tried to help me down from the table I stood on. They left shortly after that, but I was texting Marquise and one thing lead to another and Marquise gave me Matt's number and Matt my number. By the end of the night Matt had texted me, first thing said was: "Hello my name is Matthew, I was the dude that took the large flower thing from u today. Thats all i can think of as the first thing to say to u." That was at 9:04pm Dec 29th 2009.
The next day, as things would come for a turn I was hanging out with my friend Jesse, and was invited to go see a movie in Niles with some people. These people formed a group of six....Marquise, Morgan, Matthew, his brother Michael, Jesse, and myself. After we saw Sherlock Holmes we went to Pizza Hut, and it was a lot of fun. The way home I was trailing them in my car, for I didn't know my way around the roads we traveled on. They would always go through lights on yellow and I'd always stop since they would turn red. But on one such light, it turned red for me and I went through it. When doing so Matt in the car in front of me opened the window and gave me the thumbs up. That day was a good day. We of course texted that night, and too much was on his mind to go to sleep...
The next day, it was the 31st. The very last day in 2009. Marquise and Matt of course were hanging out and had a party to go to at 10:00, so they came to my house. And hung out in my bedroom after enjoying a pizza I made. It was a lot of fun...and I got hugs from them both. I even walked them out to their car in my socks, even with the snow on the ground. I remember Matt taking his one shoe off for me to wear. I opened the car door for him and said something silly like "Your car madam". It was fun to hang out with people that makes me happy. So after that I curled up in bed, and was taxting Matt some, then when it got around to 11:55pm I got out of bed and watched the ball drop consuming some Welch's Sparkling Grape Juice. And shortly after the new year began, my phone rang and it was Matthew wanting to wish me a Happy Hanukkah since no one ever says that and he wants to bring it back haha. We talked some, and I really enjoyed it...He's a really sweet guy, and I look forward to getting to know him more.
Lastly on the 2nd, Marquise and Matt stopped by my house very late at night to say goodbye before MF left for Lansing. Marquise only stayed a little while giving me some hugs. I will miss him and look forward to his return so we can all hang out again.
Matt stayed a bit longer, but just in the kitchen with all the lights off, for my father was fast asleep and I didn't wish to wake him. We hugged, and had a little hand puppet fight. He makes me smile...but who knows what tomorrow will bring. For all I know is I have half a year of school to go until break, and when my break comes I look forward to hopefully seeing more of Matt.
"Jars" By Chevelle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zsyg_KDAhoI
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Cause I Feel Like Such An Insomniac
It's been a little while since I last typed down the things that are in my head. I've been working a lot, enjoying some of my co-workers company more than others. I've gone to the beach with Leigha and her son Aidyn, visited a local Pizza Hut with those two plus little Casey, gone on a beach walk Marquise, the fair with Leigha, Aidyn, Rob, Joelin, and Austin.
I've never been a big fan of children but I just enjoy spending time with little Aidyn, he's only three but so sweet and adorable. He doesn't say much but sometimes people don't need to say anything.
Probably the most relaxing time I've had in a long time was when I went to the beach with M.F. we just walked the shoreline and just talked about everything, then eventually we sat down and talked some more, watched the sunset and he gave me the best backrub I've ever had. It was just what I really needed. I think he's probably going to become a good friend of mine, he's very easy to talk to and get along with.
Amusing time at the fair was when I ran into my ex and seemed to have made him jealous by walking side by side with Rob, see Rob is 25 years old, but looks about 30. Oh the joys of having people who care about you, and like spending time with you.
Today I am trying to rush through some summer reading...I have like four books to read and journals to write all in less than two weeks to complete. I'm starting to feel the stress but I have confidence that I will finish it all in time for my Jr school year to begin.
On a side note I'm back to not being able to sleep...last time I slept soundly was after working eight hours and that day at the beach with Marquise. I wish someone would please take me away from here...
"Fireflies" By Owl City
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI4JLa0hbUw
I've never been a big fan of children but I just enjoy spending time with little Aidyn, he's only three but so sweet and adorable. He doesn't say much but sometimes people don't need to say anything.
Probably the most relaxing time I've had in a long time was when I went to the beach with M.F. we just walked the shoreline and just talked about everything, then eventually we sat down and talked some more, watched the sunset and he gave me the best backrub I've ever had. It was just what I really needed. I think he's probably going to become a good friend of mine, he's very easy to talk to and get along with.
Amusing time at the fair was when I ran into my ex and seemed to have made him jealous by walking side by side with Rob, see Rob is 25 years old, but looks about 30. Oh the joys of having people who care about you, and like spending time with you.
Today I am trying to rush through some summer reading...I have like four books to read and journals to write all in less than two weeks to complete. I'm starting to feel the stress but I have confidence that I will finish it all in time for my Jr school year to begin.
On a side note I'm back to not being able to sleep...last time I slept soundly was after working eight hours and that day at the beach with Marquise. I wish someone would please take me away from here...
"Fireflies" By Owl City
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI4JLa0hbUw
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Would you save me?
Today...A day off...one of those things that are sometimes good and needed and other times something you wish would be over quickly.
I went to the chiropractors, then stopped by the SGC and everyone was surprised to see me in a dress with my hair down. I went in to get my hours for next week just to make sure they hadn't changed too much since a few people were going to be gone from the area on vacation in the next week. Then after that took my grandparent's out to lunch since my Grandmother's birthday was yesterday. When I got home I went on a quick walk with Mrs Lawrence and Fargo, she stopped by to drop off a camera for me to borrow :-)
And now I'm sitting in my bed thinking about how much I miss work and how I wish I knew what people really thought of me. I wonder if only you knew, would you save me?
"If Only" By Blaqk Audio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Iz9ZpOvTPE
I went to the chiropractors, then stopped by the SGC and everyone was surprised to see me in a dress with my hair down. I went in to get my hours for next week just to make sure they hadn't changed too much since a few people were going to be gone from the area on vacation in the next week. Then after that took my grandparent's out to lunch since my Grandmother's birthday was yesterday. When I got home I went on a quick walk with Mrs Lawrence and Fargo, she stopped by to drop off a camera for me to borrow :-)
And now I'm sitting in my bed thinking about how much I miss work and how I wish I knew what people really thought of me. I wonder if only you knew, would you save me?
"If Only" By Blaqk Audio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Iz9ZpOvTPE
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
That girl's a genius
Did I ever tell you that one time last week that me and my wonderful sister went to a concert up in Lansing? Oh it was fantastic, there were several opening bands, two out of the three I remember the names to, but only one of them was really fantastic. The first band up was just horrible and that is when we took that chance to check out what was around the area, including this game which you have drunk people try and hit a golf ball across the river onto a small say 10x10x10 green platform with a hole in the middle, whoever gets closest was to win. My sister and I were both hoping that somehow the golfers would hit a passer by with their shot, but no such luck...at least not while we were watching. The second band up was Parachute, they were ok but nothing worth downloading to put on your mp3 player. The last opening act was that of the musical talent of JET, the group is from Australia. They played one song that I particularly liked and it was "She's A Genius", ever so fantastic. Anyways this was all the lead up to the main event, that of Three Doors Down. I was rather pleased with their performance, other than the fact that after every song the lead singer, (Brad Arnold) would say to the audience "Thank you my friends!". It was after the 3rd or 4th time he said it that it started to become more of a joke between my sister and I. All and all you know that, 'that girl's a genius'.
"She's a Genius" By JET
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVA799gKNzo
"She's a Genius" By JET
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVA799gKNzo
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